


Wait, What? How?

by LeonoraChris



Category: NCIS
Genre: Babies, Family first, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, S13E24, Tony VS Everyone, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:26:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6893728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeonoraChris/pseuds/LeonoraChris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is... a father..? Written as a crackfic "fix-it" after Tony's last (S13) episode was aired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wait, What? How?

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  _The story and any possible original characters are mine.  
>  NCIS, its own characters and canon aren't._
> 
> * * *

"But... But I can't be the father," Tony stammered with wide eyes. Shock didn't quite do justice to how he was feeling.

Abby's answer to his confusion was to sigh and look annoyed. "Tony. I'm sure you'll learn and I'm sure you'll have people who would _love_ to help you. Like Gibbs. I think you could learn much from him. He's so good with children and children love him; everyone knows that."

"But I can't be the father!" he tried again. At the same time his mind was in turmoil as he tried to make some kind of sense where there was no sense whatsoever.

His father's reaction to the 'news' was... Well, he was being Senior. One thing was sure... Any child of his would be kept miles away from the old conman.

When Tony tried talking to Gibbs, the boss only gave him one of those looks. "Suck it up, DiNozzo." With that kind of helpful advice and willingness to even listen, what more would he need, right?

"Boss, no, you don't understand..!"

When he talked to McGee, the only things the probie seemed to care about was Ziva and Tony, plus a baby. He was already planning the plot for his next book.

"There never was any love affair to talk about, McRomeo!"

Ducky tried to be all 'grandfatherly' and supportive. "Oh, that is wonderful, Anthony."

"Wonderful? Did you miss the part where she never even told me? And I can't even be the father. It's not possible!" At that point Tony finally gave up trying to reason with his 'friends'. Especially when those friends—aka Abby—were already spreading around the story of how he became a father and people started congratulating him. After that it was his word against theirs. Who needed enemies when you had friends like his.

When he kept going on and on how he could not be the father, they all seemed to assume he was talking about his ability or willingness to be one. No one seemed to catch on there was that difference making part: ' _the_ '. So while the others were either gushing over the 'Tiva' baby, who was cute alright, or damning him for possibly even thinking about abandoning his own daughter, Tony tried to find logic among all the impossibilities to make this possible.

They had only shared a kiss. No relationship. _No sex_. Surely he would know if little Anthony had gotten some action?

Had he been so drunk that he slept with her and couldn't even remember it? But no, he was pretty sure he would remember.

Did he do it while asleep? Somehow? Maybe..?

The sperm bank! Maybe she found a way to get his sperm and thus baby Tali was born?

Aliens made them do it..?

"I can't be the father because I never slept with her!" he tried for the last time to get through the wall of ' _not listening to a word you're saying because we know better_ '.

They. Just. Would. Not. Listen.

"Fine! I'll do the DNA test!"

He was not the father. They were finally quiet and Tony was breathing a deep sigh of relief knowing he hadn't lost his mind and then he wondered who was _the_ father...

"So..." Abby started. "No one has to know?"

"Abby!"

_**The End** _

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't seen that episode and neither will I see it later, just so you know. In case I got the name wrong etc... Which is also why this is short crackfic and sort of vague in setting, where and how people are talking to one another, the timelines etc.
> 
> What's funny is that both Tiva fans and anti-Tiva people seemed to hate or dislike the episode. That's why you don't try to make everyone happy. It doesn't work and it doesn't make a good story either... But now I'm even more sure that those people behind the scenes must really hate Tony. All these seasons of pure nonsense and even cruelty toward him. And now this? Whether you're anti Tiva or not, that was really low blow and especially cruel for Tony of all people... And actually proves even more that Ziva never cared about Tony at all. Not telling about the kid? Seriously, that's a huge NO.
> 
> Anyway, with this whole thing I can truly say both, RIP Tony DiNozzo and RIP NCIS _(even if in a way they've both been dead since several seasons ago)_. At least those first years gave us the Tony DiNozzo we all know and love so very dearly, which despite their best efforts they couldn't destroy. That, I believe, is only thanks to MW...


End file.
